Well, well, well: it's that time again. And the first PPV for the month of April is the granddaddy of them all- WrestleMania. I can still remember the first WM I saw in its entirety. In fact, it was the first video tape I rented when we finally got into the 80's and bought a VCR- WrestleMania III. That show was mark-out city, from the Savage/Steamboat IC match to Hulk Hogan doing what was seen as the impossible: winning the WWF Heavyweight Championship from Andre the Giant (note: it was nice of Andre to pass the torch and a damn shame that Hogan never wanted to). Beautiful stuff back in the day when you =knew= this was a PPV and they did shit in grand style. Hell, they even did Caesar's Palace and the Taj Mahal, for chrissakes. The name of the game was opulence and you definitely felt a different air with a PPV. Ah, nostalgia...

In 1999 I finally was able to get PPV, and I practically salivated at the thought of inviting folks over and ordering the show. When 2000 rolled along, I thought, "Well, I'm not crazy about it but I'll order- they can't screw it up too much, can they?" I think we ended up sleeping and eating during most of that one. Now WrestleMania XVII is here in a couple weeks and I'm thinking, "Fuck this- I'll save my money for the George Strait concert ($45 for 8 hours of great music) or some other shit." I guess I'm not as big of a mark as the WWF wants me to be in order to plunk down that much money for a PPV.

They want $40 ($39.95, to be exact) for it this year. That's right: last year it was $35 ($34.95 for you anal retentive folks). Uh huh- I'm really going to spend $40 for the same goddamn headlining match they had in 1999. And there's not even a free gift to look forward to for compensation. The undercard isn't shaping up to be much. To top it all off, I'm scared as hell to see Undie's latest fashion statement, with spring being here and all, because we all remember the last one.

 

 

 

World Wrestling Federation Championship
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Rock (aka Dejà Vu matchup 1)

My Pick: Personally, I don't care either way but since Dwayne is off doing his movie thing, I'll pick Austin and maybe a heel turn to go with it. They have to mix this up somehow, don't they?

Will Win: Austin

WINNER: Steve Austin with a heel turn- big fuckin' surprise there, I tell you. *sarcasm mode off*

 

 

Undertaker vs. HHH

My Pick: Oh Lord, Texas' Greatest Treasure (:P) versus the Kliq's Greatest Treasure (other than HBK's ass). And in Calaway's hometown, for an added attraction. And now for a few statements. Hopefully this will be a good match and for Pete's sake, Taker, don't do those fuckin' legdrops anymore. Once in awhile is fine, man, but too many remind me of the Orange Goblin (Hogan). Oh yeah, and don't be wearing any of that funky junk to the ring you've been known to pull out for special occasions. Wow- I went on a mini-rant there. Better pick a winner, eh? Here it goes- Houston's Pride and Joy.

Will Win: Undie. They've hyped that 8-0 WM record, plus this is his home turf so they've gotta make him look good, right?

WINNER: Undie to make him 9-0 at WMs. And in a clean finish, no less- wow I didn't even think those existed anymore. But the goof bloodied himself up again. Does he have any skin on his forehead anymore that hasn't been bladed? At least it appears he gets himself to a plastic surgeon to make sure the scars aren't obvious because, judging by his affinity for doing it lately and how he botches it up, he'd end up with an Abdullah the Butcher forehead. OK, now I'm done with my observation. ;)

 

 

Women's Championship
Chyna vs. Ivory

My Pick: Ivory, Ivory, Ivory

Will Win: Chyna because from what I've mustered to read about her, she suddenly feels that maybe the Women's Championship won't be such a bad thing to hold. Since no one gives two shits about her anymore, they'll need something for her to do, right?

WINNER: Chyna *violent gagging* I'm so glad I didn't pony up $40 to see this live.

 

 

Hardcore Title Match

Kane vs. Big Show vs. Raven

My Pick: Raven. Paul shouldn't be there- period. Don't know why they even bothered to bring his ass up again when he didn't live up to his end of the bargain. And Kane just needs something more than feuding with Big Show -again-.

Will Win: Raven.

WINNER: Kane

 

European Championship

Eddy Guerrero v. Test

My Pick: Eddy, plain and simple.

Will Win: Eddy.

WINNER: Eddy

 

Street fight
Vince McMahon vs. Shane McMahon

My Pick: Shane because out of all the McMahons, he's the one I can tolerate on some level.

Will Win: I'm guessing Shane in some kind of a screwjob.

WINNER: Shane

 

Intercontinental Championship

Chris Jericho vs. William Regal

My Pick: Steve Regal, who is one of the best things, if not the best, thing on WWF TV right now. And sadly CJ seems to feel that being a superstar is more important than being a good worker.

Will Win: Regal because you know this feud's far from over.

WINNER: CJ

 

WWF Tag Team Titles

TLC Match: Dudleys vs. Edge/Christian vs. Hardy Boyz (aka Dejà Vu match 2)

My Pick: Gotta go with the Dudleys on this one. They're my boys, after all.

Will Win: Well, if memory serves, Edge/Christian and the Hardyz already have wins in these matchups so I'm thinking my boys will retain. Would be nice if they'd go all heel, trash the Hardys through a few tables, and call everyone out in the audience a bunch of motherfuckers. I can dream, can't I?

WINNER: Edge/Christian (Dammit to hell! They've had the damn things too much...)

 

 

Taz and the Acolytes vs. Right to Censor

My Pick: Taz and Acolytes

Will Win: Same

WINNER: Taz and Acolytes

 

 

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit

My Pick: Benoit

Will Win: Kurt

WINNER: Kurt

 

 

And there's also supposed to be some gimmick battle royal. However, this is on April 1, folks so that's probably a joke. But if I had to pick, I'd go with Hillbilly Jim. Of course, by looking at the whole card, it is like one big April Fool's joke and most of it clusterfuck booking.

 

 

 

Now for the tally (minus the battle Royal, if it happens):

My Picks Correct: (5/10)= 50%

Will Wins Correct: (7/10)= 70%

 

Other Thoughts: As I adamantly stated before, I wasn't going to buy the PPV and I didn't. And, judging by the pretty high "Will Win" predictions there, I'm glad I didn't. Now, I read the PBP at the Torch and there were a couple matches that seemed entertaining (Vince/Shane (even though you saw the ending coming with Linda and at least Trish seems to have turned on Vince), Benoit/Angle, and HHH/Taker). But WrestleMania is supposed to be about grand surprises, big feuds coming to a climax, and hyped to the wazoo pre-event. This year, there was apparently little of that. Clusterfuck booking and a pretty predictable card were on tap that day. However, they did get the grandeur thing kind of down this time, because that entrance, which I saw on Heat, was pretty impressive. And with that looking like one of the highlights of the evening, it's a pretty sad thing.